Werepanthers for Charity

Tags: my stories

"The golf course needed someone to get rid of Canada Geese without violating, y'know, the Migratory Bird Act. And that requires skills that even you, Delores, have already admitted I have — getting in fights and pissing everywhere."

"Assaulting a goose hardly counts as a fight."

"It's a short fight."

The Indiana Department of Natural Resources has a helpful FAQ about dealing with Canada Geese, which can be pests but fall under the generous protection of the law. The DNR suggests harassing a nuisance goose with dogs or a leaf blower. They don't specifically mention werepanther urine as a deterrant, though I imagine it'd be effective. Whether werepanthers are legally entitled to eat geese is a question I leave to the courts.

In "House Cats", a pride of elderly female werepanthers have settled down in Indianapolis. They're respectable. They run a charity guild that gives tours of local mansions to raise money for kids with cancer. (Any resemblance to the charity guild one of my elderly relatives volunteers for — and which also gives annual tours of the governor's mansion — is purely coincidental.)

And then a young stoner werepanther turns up on their turf. A young male werepanther. And he won't leave quietly.

"House Cats" originally ran in issue #2 of Crowded Magazine. They're no longer around, but you can buy back issues. Don't forget your leafblower.

Written on April 7, 2016